Charisma Dawn (Yeah that's me) - A Daily Dose of ?

Big Changes... big choices...

2011-12-05T18:52:00.001-05:00

Sorry it's been awhile..

Making big changes and big moves in my life. I am hanging on the edge of tomorrow with so many unanswered questions. Ya know? Words and actions. Such contradictions in themselves. I always try to make sure I do as I say and do unto others.. very hard life to lead sometimes. I hurt. Right now. I need so much and trusting someone who has hurt you deeply by just what is said.. I dunno.. how can you? I try to not think about what has happened and trust that it won't happen again. I try to trust that what is said is the truth and I know that it wouldn't happen again. But words... *shakes head* when the words coming out are different than the actions shown... what to do - what to do? Some times I want to give in, run away and just live my life in a shadow. I need so much more and I need it now. I am tired. I need someone to lean on, to share with... who will hold my hand and me and just tell me... it is what it is and I love you, only you and to love me the way I love them. Deeply, completely, and only them...

I have been devastated so much lately that it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I love you. I want to be with you. Not right now. Contradictions... Breaks my heart. I live in a black and white world. I think maybe I don't deserve to be happy. I expect too much and hell maybe I give too much. I expect what I give and maybe that is my first mistake. I love deeply and I love completely - there is no room for anyone else in that scenario, in my mind. If there is room then obviously I shouldn't be there. So I hurt.

I know what it means to me. I wonder, cause I am not a mind reader.. some people get so used to hiding and saying what people want to hear - or transferring emotions to other people that they never truly know what they are actually feeling. Maybe I am a fool.

I am broken. And I don't have the strength. If I get hurt again, I am afraid I will never be able to be myself again. So how to mend this new divide... this huge divide... cause a woman knows.. seriously and I wish honesty would just be the word and action of the day, week, month, year.. Honesty. Faithfulness. Love... those ARE the ONLY things I ask. Is that really too much?? For a life of beauty, friendship, love, trust? Success? I don't think so but then again.. I have been told I am crazy.

Well, til next time...

~ V

...tattooed on my soul...

2011-11-11T23:28:00.001-05:00

Well news is this. Monday I may be leaving... God willing and there is any possibility at all that the job is there and I have a chance to land it - a foot in the door just to get there. I will go. I will beg, borrow, and steal to get there. Okay maybe not steal but you get the point. I am leaving. No more of this. I cannot do another day like this one. New beginnings... Ugh - the last two days have been torture. I cannot be here and survive. No way. I don't need the reminder of how little I matter.

This experience is tattooed on my soul and God willing the right choices will be made. It's out of my hands and in that of the higher ups. They cannot expect me to tolerate any more of this. I have zero fight left in me. Why fight when you are the only one fighting for it? Seems pointless and hell, you can say words all day long. My friends, actions - those are the things that matter. Don't let one day go by without SHOWING someone how you feel. Seriously. Saying I love you and showing I love you is totally different. AND IT makes a HUGE difference. Be that person.

You do not treat people that you love with such disrespect and whatever else this is. I have no more strength for this situation. I truly don't. The last of it went flying out the window today as I sat crying on my sisters shoulder. It's me or them. Well I have to do what's right for me. For my kids and for my future. My future does not include being treated as some person you barely know or that you don't even know. Offer up new beginnings to someone and they treat you like a stranger. WOW. I truly get it now. And it hurts, ain't gonna lie. Every moment of every day - but I am a survivor and I will survive this. One way or another. Smile and say - hey I am okay.

I know my self worth and I know I will have everything I want. And that is not here.

**Sitting on the edge of tomorrow**

Have a great night ya'll.

~ V~

...new beginnings...

2011-11-10T22:19:00.002-05:00

Tonight's full moon is the mourning moon. Traditional Celtic ways - this was their end of year. The snow moon. A time for new beginnings. A time to lay the past to rest and just look to the future. That is what I did today. I spent the day letting go of any negative energies, hurts, and just memories that I had been holding onto for the last couple/ few months. I will not go there again. "Don't look back because that is not where you are going." I tuned up my candles, opened the window - yes it was very cold, and I just did a whole lot of nothing today. Retrospective.

There are things that I still need to work on. I am only human and I will falter, of that I am sure. We all do. None of us are perfect and we should have sympathy and even empathy for those around us. I try to live my life with the old saying "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." I truly do. I have an open mind and an open heart. It gets beat down quite a bit and I struggle sometimes to stay positive and on track. I even lose it once in a while. Those are the times I go into myself for healing. I lock the world out and just zen. It is what I have to do.

I wrote just a tad today. I studied tarot a tad today. I studied herbals a tad today. Made a few phone calls and sent a few emails... For the most part I sat and watched my candles and just released myself from everything. Am I refreshed? Not quite sure yet. :) Guess I will know when I wake up tomorrow.

Here's hoping that all of you have a fabulous new beginning ;)

Count your blessings and ask for those you love to get what they need. ;)

Catch you on the flip side.

~V ~

... a woman knows...

2011-11-09T22:22:00.000-05:00

We are both blessed and cursed with woman's intuition. We are always dead on with our gut instincts. I love being called crazy but then end up being right. We always know when the attention is elsewhere and not on us.

Stop the insanity - you know the definition - I believe I have said it before. Doing the same thing over and over yet expecting different results. Well hello - brick wall. Prove me wrong just once, please. I am begging for that moment and I will eat my words - choke them down and hand you the world.

I really hope that people realize the extent of what they have lost. A dawning of realization. That I am gone.

You push and push someone away or ignore them. Then guess what? They get it, loud and clear. It is what it is people. I accept it. I will go my way and do my thing. Have what I want and more. Emails sent and now I wait... the future is now.

V~

...here and now... two words...

2011-11-08T22:34:00.000-05:00

Living in the here and now is not so easy to do. I can say that all day long. One foot in front of the other and the here and the now. Problem being - in the back of my mind is always tomorrow and what I am working for. The here and the now make me think that I will not have a tomorrow. So yeah use Oprah's old saying and breathe... and know that this is the only moment you know you will have for sure.. that about gives me panic. I am not done yet.. ya know??

BUT - and that is always the word. Anything can happen and there may never be another tomorrow for any of us. What IF you wake up tomorrow and reach for that someone and they are not there? What IF you reach for me and I am not here? Infinity - the number 8. Beyond this aspect of our lives - there is so much more. But in this life... we only have the here and now for sure.

A tight hug and warm kiss.. a soft good night... I miss those things the most.. the togetherness... when all you have is books, writing, studying... well - learning who you are and embracing all you can... still leaves you alone at the end of the day... Looking at hours of nothingness.. :( a sad truth, that...

I am who I am and whatever happens, well happens... All I can do is hope for another tomorrow and a chance at the future I am determined to have. Ultimately though - all we can do is make our own choices, guide our own lives.. the rest is really up to the higher powers that be. If tomorrow never comes, then I know in my heart I did everything I could do... loved deeply, forgave completely, and accepted people for what and who they were at every moment.

Can you say the same?

Til the next time,
xoxo
~ V ~

...coming full circle...

2011-11-07T09:55:00.000-05:00

Had a long weekend. Very painful, very emotional weekend. Went to see my brother, although he is doing fine with his chemo treatment, it is that so many years have been lost. A family that is trying to come together and be as one. We will get there. He is a few years older than me and we never really had that chance to connect. This weekend was a step in the right direction, at least in that part of my life... his wife is awesome. We stayed up talking to the wee hours of the morning - like little girls having a slumber party. The connection is strong and she/they need us as much as we need them. So I go....

My future lies in Gods country... the great state of Kentucky. At least my future starts there, where I end up after - *shrugs* that is up to the Gods, Goddesses, and the universe. I can only act on what I believe is right, true, and this is it. A house out in the middle of nowhere - three bedrooms is in the process of being remodeled, I met the farmer and he will let me know when it will be completed. I am hoping by Jan 01, 2012 that we will be there. That is just a moment away.

Gods and Goddesses know that I cannot go back to the way it was. Not with him. It's like a sick joke, this never-ending heartache. I am quiet and withdrawn and I will stay that way. It's how I heal. I will not reach out and I will not make another move towards that chaos. I wish that he would come clean, tell me the honest to God truth from his soul. Not what I want to hear or what he thinks I need to hear. Ya know? I don't live that way, I don't accept that way. Hurt me with the truth rather than a lie, any day. Please. He will have to step into my world if he ever so chooses. I will not live in his. I love him deeply, I love him beyond reason, faith in what choices I am making is how I am living. He has his own choices to make, his own life to live. I cannot go hours, days, even weeks without talking to him but that seems to be the way.

So we are back to where we started, coming full circle and this time... I am not chasing. No. I am hurt too deeply and I feel like it was a lie from day one. Not lies but certainly not truth. I forgive him - ya know? It's all he has ever known but there does come a time in life where you either want better than what you have settled for - or you continue to settle. I won't settle, I won't be a play thing, I won't be a dirty little secret and I definitely will never be anyone's second choice. I am worth way more than any of that. I have goals, dreams, desires, and I will have everything I choose because I know I can. Just have to do it. Take those steps and make it happen.

I met with Judy, she is a beautiful soul. A bit broken but aren't we all? She is a lost soul and like so many of us. She gave me this pocket knife... turns out it is of fae descent. Wow huh. What a connection. I will carry it on me always because there is meaning there, I just have to wait and see what it all means. I was brought back to Indiana for a reason, to meet this people and make these choices... we never know what the design is... and hell, we never know what steps to take unless you act on them. Act on instinct and don't ignore it - I have learned that here recently- it is never wrong.

So I will work towards Dec 01. The week I head there to stay with my brother and look for a job. It will all work out the way it should. I have no doubts, only belief. Whatever is meant to be will find its way. Faith. I have it. Trust. I have it. Hope. I have never lost it. Wisdom... well a little more every day.

Love and light beautiful ones...
xoxo
~ V ~

....a gypsy soul who feels too deeply....

2011-11-03T00:45:00.000-04:00

Okay here we go with some riddles and mind benders for you. You will read this and have no idea what the hell I am talking about... but that is okay. It is my blog, journal, my way to vent to everyone and no one. My way to "feel" my way through it, if you will...

I went to see my spiritual guru yesterday and I had the validation I needed for the things I have going on in my life. The things I knew and the answers I needed. Problem being is this... with what I know and what I have had - well taking three steps back in a situation only tends to set me off. My emotions get erratic, I feel hurt and lonely and I blow up. I react in my hurt to hurt you back. Maybe that is not the right way but it is only human... The rule of thumb is this - you cannot push a situation or influence a choice else you take on the karma for the other people involved. grrr... I know that only makes sense to about two of you out there.

See I've made my choices. I know who I love, who I will and would do anything for. The one I want and hope to spend the rest of my tomorrow's with. My choices have been made. I will be leaving to a new home in a few weeks, a couple of months, hell, a few months... whatever the time frame. It will happen. So I have to prepare myself for the choices the other people make in the situation. Protect myself in case. Just seems I am the only one in the situation actually hurting so I need to distance myself. Does that make sense? Self preservation cause God and Goddesses know I cannot do it like this. I can't. I could have if the dynamics had not changed over the last couple of months and I had not had so much time and closeness with him.

It hurts too much to be this involved and fuck me... this is surreal. But the choices of others are not the choices of mine. I have done, said, and prayed all I can for the situation. We have been given the opportunity to be beyond the chaos. There are ways around everything but you have to want that way - a way out. You have to find it and you will if you are looking. You can sit and wait on people or things. Just not feasible in my mind. Action gets things done, not waiting. Maybe I ask too much or maybe not enough... anyway.

So I applied to a Metaphysical shop today. Very cool. It would keep me very busy and I would be on the right path, finally. I believe I will get the job and I pray that I do. I need it. Being with like minded people, growing my gifts and sharing them as well. I need it. So send some positive thoughts to the situation my way and I will keep you posted.

Til tomorrow, or today ;)
xoxo
~ V ~

..the voice within...

2011-11-01T17:17:00.000-04:00

Thank you babyk. Didn't have a title for today's blog posting. This is it. I had been ignoring the little voice, or more like doubting that little tyke but after yesterday and the validation... well I am beyond words with the acceptance of who I am, where I am going, and so wonderfully blessed with my gifts. I embrace who and what I am - and I embrace what I can bring to so many. I have been given the divine right, wisdom, and emotions to share with the world and I will. Soon. Thank you to all of you whom have inspired me, supported me, and even helped dust me off too many times to count. (you know who you are). We have connections and we will never - NEVER lose those. ;)

The chaos is worth it. So worth it. TO know and believe with uncertainty that your life will be all that you imagined, hoped, and even prayed for. There really are not words. Oh I am not saying that it won't be full of trials - undoubtedly... what is life without our lessons? Boring.. mundane.. hahaha... but we live, learn, and we become.

So studying astrology right now... put off the piercing thing. I feel astrology best suits what my goals are for the moment. ;) balance. All for a reason...

Love & light all,
~ V ~

Beautifully Broken...

2011-10-31T23:55:00.000-04:00

I touched on that term the other day. It's an actual song by Govt Mule. I only like the phrase because my life... although some think it's a joke. My "gifts" are a joke and I truly don't enjoy ever being called crazy... that cuts too deep when you walk through your life with one foot outside of this world anyway...

Have these tattoos I want. Little stars/hearts around the side of my cheekbone and under my eye... Like Kat Von D. That is cool to me and a form of expression. It is my body and I will do with it whatever I please. Piercings... those too... just gotta find an artist and the funds... Believe me I will ;) always find a way...

Sara gave me the validation I needed for all that I thought. I now feel a little settled. ;) She said some things and gave me wings.... but turns out I need to study planets, astrology - seems that their alignment and such affect me more than most and that tends to set my mind spinning... great like I needed help with that! ha! Anyway going to research that - so hey!!! YAY~ busy busy busy.... keeps me chill..

Night beautiful people.
Make it great.
xoxoxo
~ V ~

Just at a loss...

2011-10-30T16:51:00.000-04:00

No words of wisdom. No trust in faith in this one. This one is going to have to be blood, sweat, and tears. Drag myself up and onward. - Ran across this quote on twitter and it struck deep. "We may get knocked down on the outside, but the key to living in victory is to learn how to get up on the inside." - Joel Osteen - and I will get up again, I always do. A little more battle-weary for spirit but nonetheless. I will be a better person for it. I know who I am, where I am going in life, and what the hell I am worth. I am worth so much more than what I was demanding. If it is meant to be then it will be. Others need to do the same. Let go of their past and demand a better future for themselves, but again, all in choices. We all have to make them. To some, it's just easier to go with the flow. Self-absorbed. Me. Me. Me. Never thinking of anyone else? Yeah - I don't and never will understand that mindset. Do what you've always done and not change a thing. Live in the shadows. I refuse to do that.

So I am reading Druid Power - researching for the book I am writing. A tale of this relationship - a little embellished and some, not so much. It is fiction after all. Celtic history is amazing and I am so drawn to the druid beliefs. Hell, I am drawn to anything not of this world. lol... typical me... living one foot outside of bounds everyday seems to be the way of it. It's all good. I have said it a million times - it will take a strong man to ever tolerate what I instinctively know, and understand. It will take a strong man to match me. It looks as though - that is something I will never have. I'm okay with that. Well, I will be fine. Truth of the matter is - I knew from the beginning that this would be a hell of a ride. Darkhorse. Twin flame or not - whatever is written, it shall be. I just have to find peace. Be still.

So I keep having this desire to move to KY. I said I wasn't running and I'm not. But I am going to start over and my brother needs me as well as my Mom. So yeah, I think out of state is definitely on the agenda. Now just to find the means to get us there. Soon. Like before Thanksgiving soon! Where there is a will, there is a way ;).

I signed up for body piercing certification. Interesting huh? I am an artist. I am a spiritualist. I am an author. I am a Reiki Master. Spiritual Healer, empath, sympathetic, and hell, green witch, and partial medium. Really? What kind of resume does that translate to ??? Yeah one of someone well rounded and who knows entirely too much some times. I guess I wouldn't change it for the world. I just have to start understanding that people have to WANT to change. They have to WANT you. To move heavens and earth for someone... or try - well, enough on that...

I share too much with too many and not enough with others... I am sure my family will be holding counsel on me with this outing. Yeah not so great on the witchery thing... but if they truly love me then they will let me explain the religion... not judge me by the term. Til next time ya'll. Try and make it great.

Love & Light,
~ V ~

Love, honesty, faithfulness...

2011-10-29T12:08:00.000-04:00

Those three things seem like allusive traits in this world we live in. I have them and I trust in myself for everything, well almost... One thing I need to learn to do is listen. The inner voice or instincts that hit you in the stomach... those things... I tend to ignore the cold, hard truths... but no matter what if you ask for answers from the divine, you will get them whether you like it or not.

Truth is: I would much rather anyone hurt me with the truth then try to keep me with a lie. Let's me know that I don't mean all that much. If you love someone, want to keep someone, or to end something - the truth is always the way to live. If you are lying to everyone then obviously you are lying to yourself. Accept who you are and what you are... try looking in the mirror and speaking the truth... Why continue to play games and hurt people? The only one who is going to hurt in the end? Is yourself. You will have lost any chance at happiness and any chance of redemption, if you keep doing what you always have done. You want change - then do it and be a big enough person to accept the consequences.

Gods and Goddesses know that I have. I accept that I was just for the moment, a means to something that was needed. Let's hope this opportunity I gave to change your status is taken serious and I am not paying again. Trust is something earned, and right now... I have no trust in the situation. I have not been given a single reason to believe anything that is said... actions... those are worth their weight in gold... so I want to see... not hear it... yeah that falls upon deaf ears...

Silence is deafening...

Riddles, yeah I know you all are like huh? Well this is an online journal after all and I won't name any names. I do have class... this time you will have to step up to my level.

Catch me later, ya'll. Turns out the trip to Kentucky had to be put off this weekend. My Mom was not well this morning. Her asthma and COPD were flaring red. So we stay home...

Love & light beautiful ones,
~ V ~

Building walls too high to climb out...

2011-10-28T14:48:00.000-04:00

I do like that... building walls too high to climb out... walls I probably should have never let down. A guard of who I am. I am not a complete idiot... or moron, well for the most part. I believe in love and the happily-ever-after. BUT I think some of us just will never have it. We are who we are and we live life with expectations of getting treated like we treat other people. This world is not for me. So, I will live for my kids, my writing, my studies, and the rest of life can just fall on off. I no longer care if what I believe is correct or true or even righteous. I no longer know what I believe. I hurt. Once choice, one stand could have made me into what I am supposed to be. That choice; however, was not mine to make. :) Oh, I got the picture and I won't chase anyone who doesn't want to be caught. Nope.

Beautifully broken. I like that as well. A tattoo to come. As well as a Never Again tattooed over the heart. What do you think of that?

So I guess I am going to tackle this desk and the organized chaos. Research and write... quit procrastinating...

KY is tomorrow - leaving in the morning... a journey for the heart, soul, and spirit. Let's hope it's gentle hills can soothe my restlessness.

~ V ~

What lies beneath....

2011-10-27T15:50:00.000-04:00

What is the truth and what is a lie? One thing I do know for certain is that I am not the liar here. I am the one standing here with my truth. Alone. Choices.. we all have them.. choices - the right ones are never the easy ones... with that being said... I have my answers, it's the fact that I am sitting here by myself. Feeling used, abused, lied to... and in my faith... he lied to me and used what I believe... to do this do me. I am the fool. No doubt about that. Did I believe? Absofukinlutely. Do I regret it? Not for a moment? Am I sorry he turned out to be what everyone said he was? Oh yeah. But we cannot change who or what people are. They have to live with what they do, we don't. I will be fine. I just can never see him again. I will never try again, that I am certain. Not with or for anyone. I have things to do and I don't have time for this shit...

What lies beneath? A freaking silent scream and a hurt that I cannot even seem to express. Ugh, I want to hate but won't allow that - just wish them all the best and move on. Again, let's pray karma is kind... and I am trying to be. Just leave me alone and stay away. Give me the space and time to get the hell away from it all.

Leaving for KY tomorrow. Going to see my brother. Hopefully I can look for a job and a house while there and if the Gods are willing, fukin be gone from here quicker than expected. It's a move that is a must, time and distance.. a must. When you ask for answers from the spirits, God, be willing to accept the consequences.. I asked and I was given the answers. Now I just have to be the strong, solid woman I know that I am - no looking back. Heartsick and empty. Lesson learned.

Sorry for the sorrow ya'll.
I won't be on for a couple of days - will be in KY.
Love & light beautiful ones.
~ V ~

The difference being....

2011-10-26T21:26:00.000-04:00

Been doing a lot of self refection today. I believe myself to be a good person. Yes I have my days where I want to bite everyone's head off. I am far from perfect. I am far from boring. I live in bounds... ya know? When I step out - well it bothers me. I wish I were one of those people who can live just for the moment. Hell, I can't. I worry about what reactions to my actions will be. I believe karma is a bitch and trust me - I have enough negative karma that I don't want to pile anymore on... a spiritual healer that has lost her way... need a light to guide me... my Dad.. he would say - damn girl you are second to none... (happy birthday dad).

The last few months have been a testament to my strength and my love. There are different types of love. I am in love with someone. Question is this, he says he loves me - but what type of love? The kind of love that you would chase to the ends of the earth? Give up your life as you know it? Face the fall-out of what is to come? See that is the love I have but obviously, it is not the same, or that easy for other people. The difference being... I have and would give it all up for us... but... I live in a black and white world - to me there isn't any room for gray. The gray is where trouble starts and where I refuse to live. So - what kind of love does he have for me? Maybe I am afraid to demand an action - but I have to. For the well-being of myself and all else involved. I need to know. Ya know... actions speak so much louder than words and the actions I have been receiving are ones that a friend would do... not a lover or a forever kind of partner... soul-searching sucks and he is a weakness... one I probably will just run from... the gypsy soul wants all or nothing... so... one month is what I am giving myself to get out of this area and start over...

I have terrific friends, family, even a few guides, and one terrific knight... too bad I couldn't just let you all decide for me. I have listened to all of you but of course I must follow my heart... no matter what because that is who and what I am. I prayed for him - ya know? I prayed for someone who could match me on every level and they brought him to me... kind of a sick joke as I said before... cause seriously, if you only knew the details, some of you do, but the sick joke is how the hell do I get there from here with my heart, soul, mind, and body still intact? I don't see an answer forthcoming tonight and my instincts to run are kicking in on a high octane level. Run, live alone and do my thing. Write, heal, study, and just be... Maybe the test is this... how to let it go and move on... maybe it is his lesson and not mine? I dunno... the thing about lessons... you never have the answers until the test is over...

You all love my riddles don't ya? Should try living inside this mind for a day?! Make ya bonkers.. I need to probably just stop thinking all together and just act. lol

Well til next time.
Love & light,
~ V ~

Well hell...

2011-10-25T22:00:00.000-04:00

Well hell, I really just did absolutely a whole lot of nothing today ;(. Lol. I aspired to do an entire list and had good intentions... ugh... but I am tired... exhausted and well I needed a nothing kind of day. So I took it...

I answered emails, started laundry, made some phone calls... and well made another list! HA! It will start tomorrow.

My morning started off with a discussion and I think I am okay. For the most part, yes we are all human and we all make mistakes but if you continue making the same ones over and over - expecting different results? Insanity. Well one more time.. it really is just this simple. If you want to be with someone then go be with that someone, just leave everyone else out of it. If there is more than two in a couple - what happens? Someone gets hurt - or you all get hurt. *shrugs* seems simple enough to me. If you are in a relationship and you are not concentrating on that one other person then how do you think the actual relationship will fare? Well, I can tell you - it won't. It will be over before you have a chance to explore and find out what it is exactly. Two people. That's a relationship. Any more than that then you have fuckin' chaos. I. Don't. Do. Chaos. As I have said, I am a simple person. I ask three things - love, honesty, and faithfulness. Period. Honesty and trust are too valuable, if you lose those then what is left?

That is something to ponder... put your heart out there and get it trampled over and over and it leaves you sour. Put your trust out there and have it taken advantage of - well that's another sour taste all in itself. So trust yourself and before you say goodbye - do what exactly? Give it another shot? When do you actually stop believing people have the ability to change? SEE - I believe ANYONE CAN CHANGE... they just have to have the WANT, the DESIRE, and the COURAGE to do so. I DO NOT BELIEVE that anyone is a product of their environment or the way they were raised unless they CHOOSE to be. Maybe I am just too soft. Or believe that love conquers all.. let's hope this shit doesn't conquer me.

Til next time,
Catch you all on the flip side. ;)

Love & Light!! xoxox
~ V~

What hurts the most?

2011-10-24T20:37:00.000-04:00

It's a struggle. I believed deeply and probably still do but am trying so very hard to just not feel anything, ya know? Had a terrible thing happen. To know someone is lying is one thing but to have the proof two weeks in a row to confirm what your heart and gut were telling you. It is so very devastating. How do I go on with what I know from here? seriously a bit of a sick joke if you only knew what I was talking about.

How do people live with themselves on being that kind of person? How do you lie and lie and cheat and cheat without regard to those you hurt in the end? How?! How do they just continue to do it over and over and over again? The excitement of the chase, of getting caught... really - is it worth losing someone or hurting someone this deeply? I really hope karma will be kind... I don't wish this shit on anyone.

Forgive and let go... let the universe have it because negativity breeds negativity... I just don't know what my next step should be. One month. I want out of this state and away from all this, I am a simple person and this place is eating me alive. Alone. I just want to be alone and live my life for whatever purpose the Goddess and Gods have for me... ha... a sick joke... A spiritual healer without a spirit. That's what I am... I need divine intervention or I'm afraid I will just be that person I am afraid of becoming. Dark and twisty.

So I breathe and try to let go of it... this pain... one day I will be fine. Just wish I could delete his number and the memories.

Seriously...

2011-10-18T01:22:00.000-04:00

Sometimes there is crazy and then just freakin nuts.. right?

I believe in the old saying that actions speak louder than words. You can say anything. But to do something - that is the key. Right? Show someone, don't tell someone... sigh... yeah I know, riddles... I am full of them.

I leave for Chicago on Wednesday. A homeshow. First one of those for me so let's hope it's all I have heard them to be.

I have so much to say and yet it is locked inside. Not quite sure how to get it out. Back to the basics I suppose. You know? Write the first thing you think of and embellish. So I will give that a whirl and hopefully be able to get in touch with my characters again. Writers block... some say there is no such thing. I am here to say - wanna bet??

I am done waiting. Ya know? For a phone call, a text... why am I waiting exactly?? There is the million dollar question.... now - to find the answer.

Meditation. Gotta get back to that basic as well. Let go and just do.

Love and light all.
V ~

Today is the first day of the rest of your life....

2011-10-16T20:14:00.000-04:00

I choose to be happy. Fact is if you are unhappy then there must be things in your life that you need to change. If you seem to be having a terrible time then there is something in your life that is not right, not where it should be. Like swimming upstream, so to speak.

I have been having a difficult time. Changing careers to doing live infomercials. To say the least, it is exhausting. Travel seems to stress me. lol - just because I am so far out of my comfort zone, at least I believe. I left my writing and chaos seemed to quickly follow. So what does that tell me? Yep, put the fingers to the keyboard or pen to paper and make it happen. My letter to the universe was that I would be a published author many times over.   well hell, that isn't going to happen by itself. I have to write. It is who I am.

I am going back to my writing. My life was more balanced and made more sense when I lived in my books. It's a lot easier to deal with the fantasy world than that of our real ones, is it not? Besides, it keeps me busy and less likely to find any trouble.

Currently working on a book - Untitled and Uncertain.... hmmmm.   Just a working title but I seem to like it.

Actually I have a couple or a few :) started.... now - all I have to do is get back in touch with my characters and find the end that needs to be written.

My Tatt Guy.
My Vision.
The Vision of Us.
What was and will be. (blah not so hot a title there)
DarkHorse.

Like I said. A work in progress... ;)

Love & light beautiful people! xoxo

V ~